Train crash? What train crash?

Like so many industry commentators, I’ve been very critical in the past of the whole BDUK process for the distribution of broadband subsidies.  More recently, much of this technocratic criticism has been refocused to question the government worth of DCMS and the political future of Maria Miller herself.  While I take a modicum of credit for anticipating this sorry state of affairs, I have to recognise that others were there well before me.  In particular, I’d like to acknowledge the prescient commentaries of Philip Virgo in his IT/political blog.  As far back as January 2012 he was predicting the fiasco that was likely to ensue from DCMS oversight of a flawed broadband model – while still showing some sympathy for the enormity of the task..

In his blog of 4^th January 2012, Virgo anticipated the almost inevitable fiasco with what is alleged to be a Civil Service Staff College Case Study sent to him by a senior Whitehall Mandarin.  I apologise to those of you who may have seen the supposed Case Study before, and for its length, but - eighteen months on - I think it’s well worth another look… 

The scene

You are Head of Broadband Stuff at the Ministry of Entertainment, sitting in your office one day, idly wondering whether to spend the weekend with Fiona Bruce or with the Duke of Cambridge's mother-in-law, when the door slams open and in strolls The Boss (en route to lunch at the Savoy).  "Here's 10p" he says.  "Everyone is to have 100 Megs by Thursday".

"Right Boss", you say.  "I'm on the case".

You ponder for a bit and then you call Malcolm Corbett, because you've heard he's something to do with broadband.  "Malcolm", you say, silkily.  "I've got 10p for you and I want you to fix us up with broadband stuff.  100 Megs for everybody by Thursday.  Can do?"

"Well," says Malcolm.  "I'd like to, but the trouble is, I've got all these tiny projects and 10p won't go very far.  I really need a quid."

At that you blanche (because you suspect The Boss is spent up on film studios and museums and broadcasting "Strictly" and throwing the javelin in 2012 and other vital stuff).  So you promise to let Malcolm know and ring off.  More pondering and then one of your team lifts his head from the Guardian crossword and suggests that you might get some advice from BT.  "Good thinking," you say and call Ian Livingstone.  "Ian", you begin.  "I've got 10p and if you promise to give everyone 100 Megs by Thursday, it's yours!"

Ian pauses for a couple of seconds before he replies.  "Well," he says, thoughtfully.  "I admit I've got a bit of a problem with my pension fund and Openreach is certainly in need of some support.  So - yes - send it over and I promise to accelerate our existing hyper-speed programme that has been covering 125% of the country since 1991, even though there is no demand and the technology isn't ready and which makes UK the best country in the whole world for everything thanks to BT."

"Great," you reply, and hang up.  "Chaps;" you say, interrupting your team's focus on the latest syllabus for Theatrical Studies and Asian Dance in All Schools.  "I've just done a deal with BT and they'll give everybody 100 Megs by Thursday, so long as I give them our 10p."

One of the guys looks up from his papers.  "Isn't that a bit dodgy?" he asks.  "Won't The Boss be a bit nervous about lack of competition and Brussels and all that stuff?  And won't the small players get upset at being left out?"

But another of the guys also looks up.  "How about divvying up the 10p among County Councils and letting them take the flak?  Only a few of them know what they're doing and so you can give them a bit of guidance, nudge-nudge.  They'll run some sort of competition but end up giving their share to BT anyway.  Takes the heat off you, let's them feel they're in charge - doing Big Society stuff - and you can tell The Boss that the job's done so far as you're concerned and that Dave will be happy."

"Sounds good," you say.  "But hang on, what if there's some more money from somewhere else in government?" 

At this, everyone looks confused.  Even a bit shocked.  "But that's nothing to do with us," somebody says.  "That's their business.  DEFRA and BIS and things.  You'll be talking about joined-up government next!"

"True" I murmur, settling down to think about Fiona Bruce again. 

But not for long.  There's a tap on the door and in marches Neelie Kroes and Malcolm Corbett.  You suspect that your day is only just beginning.

Your Task

You are to produce a comprehensive, funded, broadband implementation plan for the whole of the UK that is: future-proof; exceeds EU targets; based on either infrastructure or service competition (or both); sustainable; attracts maximum private investment, and rewards innovation.

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Exactly.